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Share your Joke of the moment.beat the recession with free laughter .post you Joke of the moment here give us something to smile about and its free its recession proof its your recession busting Joke of the moment
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| bravo206 | ||||||
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 10,000 and feels great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsagents and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales lady, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I look?" "About 35, " was the reply. "Really wow i am 47, " the man says happily. A little while later he goes to O'Brians for a shambo lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 89 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, " Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the que in O'Biens
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| bravo206 | ||||||
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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Daves wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Dave replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty one. your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she blushed and she moves in to kiss him. Dave stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" "I haven't added them up yet!"
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| marco | ||||||
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!". The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
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| snazzymike | ||||||
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There's a German, Scotsman and Irishman at a bar after work. Each has a full pint. 3 flies buzz into the bar and all of a sudden land in each of their beers. The German is fuming mad - "No way I drink this! Disgusting!" as he pushes the pint away. The Scotsman thinks for a minute, "ach, it ain't that bad. Ye jist pull oot the wee nipper like this...there ya go, fine as dandy." and proceeds to take a swig. The Irishmen is also mad, he plucks the fly out by its wings, holds it over the pint and yells, "Spit it out ya Bastard, spit it out!!!"
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| conn | ||||||
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An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this." The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
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| conn | ||||||
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A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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| ladygu-gu | ||||||
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With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 20th year school reunion
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| SlimZone | ||||||
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A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Hey, have you heard the latest Pollack joke?" The bartender replied, coldly, "No. And I'll have you know I'm Polish." That's O.K.," said the man, "I'll talk real slow."
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| SlimZone | ||||||
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here my joke to beat the recession with free laughter A poor Dublin man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, thank you ? Are you really taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
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